About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
