I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
