I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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