Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
