Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
