i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
