I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
