Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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