Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
