If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
