my mouth tastes like poor choices
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Randomize