i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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