well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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