Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
