the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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