i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I wish you could order shots online.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
