I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
