I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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