How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
