she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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