i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
