remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
