he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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