Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
