It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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