I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
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