Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
