my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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