Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
