My liver just broke up with me...
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Did I show you my penis last night?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
