I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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