he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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