just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
