That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
