She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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