I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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