Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Dick very happy bro
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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