i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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