I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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