I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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