Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
