Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
