She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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