Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
