Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I have feelings that need drinking.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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