I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I think people are normalizing furries
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
