My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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