I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
