your room smells of hookers.
And success
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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