Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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