I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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