i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
