I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
