so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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