Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
