my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Randomize
