Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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