Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
